Avoiding the crap…

It’s interesting, since I’ve learned how I take on other people’s negative energy, how, even now that I’m aware of it, I have a difficulty shielding myself from it.  It took me years to realize that I had been “programmed”, through my family environment growing up, to do this.  As long as I can remember I’ve been highly intuitive and sensitive to the unseen dynamics relating to people, the energy that surrounds them, and the experiences they are going through.  Countless times, I’ve had the experience of being in a crowd of people and, strangers or acquaintances alike, I have a knowledge of what they’re going through, how they feel, and (today I’ve put defining words to it) their “spiritual health”, so to speak.  Because of this, as a child growing up, I always wanted to make everything “better”  and internalized the things going on around me as somehow because of me.  So, therefore, I always felt responsible to “fix” them.  Naturally, I couldn’t fix everything, so I internalized that to be my inadequacy and failure.  This has left a lasting paradigm about myself that, to this day, I struggle to change.  So, when I encounter negative experiences with people, whether it’s in my home, at work, etc.. my automatic response is to take  on the responsibility of the interchange which leaves me in that space of feeling completely inadequate, embarrassed about my failure and really upset.  Not very rational, I’d say, but a terribly engrained behavior pattern.

Why talk about this?  because a huge part of plural marriage is relationship dynamics.  (well..a huge part of life is relationship dynamics in one form or another).  But with plural marriage, there are more adult relationships to deal with in the close intimate family circle.  And so, I not only have to deal with my husband, but his other wives.  And for one who is already highly sensitive to the energy people carry, there are days that about wipe me out because I end up taking on negative energy from the environment around me.  I do the same at work…I do the same with my parents, siblings…etc.  So this is one of the things I get to work on with myself..practice shielding myself from negative energy.  It’s really difficult because the exchange usually takes place in the first few seconds of an interaction with someone.  I have to really pay attention to this span of time and really discipline my responses.  But I’ve learned that if I can get past the first triggers in an interaction, I’m much more able to maintain distance from toxic energy.

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