“I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ~Woody Allen

I’m facing my mortality more lately than I ever have.  I guess it’s being 40+, having two babies in my 40’s after almost a decade of thinking I was done with that part of life, and then breaking my leg this past year along with losing two old friends from highschool days, watching one of my aunts who has been like a mother to me slowly dying of cancer, and having one of our sons here at home diagnosed with partial blindness in one eye out of the blue. It makes you stop, stand up straight, and listen a bit more to the lessons life is tryng to teach you.  So, lately, I’ve had these moments of almost complete panic over the uncertainty of what the future holds for me. Panic over not knowing what health complications are going to come my way as I age. Panic over realizing, once more, that I have very little control over what life can and does throw at me.

I don’t like these moments.  They’re terribly uncomfortable and disconcerting.  So of course, my mind immediately begins to try to rationalize and think through the emotions.  So, I’m thinking…”well, I have at least another 10 ‘good’ years left in me”.  And then I think, “what?! only 10 years?  That’s bullshit.  I’m determined to have another 40 – 50 ‘good’ years left in me!”  Hahaha.  And so, moment of “disaster” adverted in the realization that even though I have very little control of what life brings, I have the ultimate control over how I respond to those circumstances.  And the realization that even though I’m not invincible when it comes to aging, I can embrace the journey with dignity, humor, love for others, and the courage and will to live each day to it’s fullness. 

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