Relationships are interesting things. When I’m able to stand back and analyze in an objective way, the relationships I have, I learn some pretty profound things. One such profound shift I’ve come to by doing this is this:
…we humans naturally have expectations when we interact with each other. We develop our perspective of others based on our experience with them, but that experience is colored by our expectations, past life experiences, and our emotional scripting. When I allow (allow meaning…release expectation that a person will do what you expect them to do) someone I love to be just who they are instead of what I want them to be, the relationship becomes free of blame and failure and blossoms into something mutually satisfying. That’s truly an amazing lesson. Release expectation, love without strings attached..and see what comes back to you. However, the risk, which is clearly there, is that the other person will cease to love you..that’s real. But in the end, do they really? I don’t believe (in most situations) people cease loving each other, I believe they just cease their association with each other because they can’t deal with the pain of disappointed expectations.
That’s what breaking up is all about…disappointed expectations. So when relationships get tough..what do we humans naturally want to do? End the pain, the inconvenience, the stress, the failure to live up to certain expectations of the relationship. Going through difficulties with those you love is a given in life. What one choses to stand for while experiencing difficulty, ultimately, is what they will receive at the other end of the experience. I often ask myself, when I’m hurt, angry, disappointed, and disillusioned with someone I love, what love is. And I have come to the conclusion, again and again, that love is not about what another does for me but what I do, what I reciprocate, how I….LOVE, ..what I choose to do within that relationship in spite of what I think the other person is doing to me. I’ve made so many mistakes with people whom I deeply love. All I have is myself to look at in the mirror and realize I have to take fully on the chin, the out come of choices I’ve made.

Things that piss me off..

It’s interesting that no matter how much some people receive, they still end up feeling like they are deprived. It’s a victim and entitlement attitude towards life…

Wife #2 has been recouping from her baby. The birth went text book perfect, the baby is beautiful and doing really great, and mother is recouping fine. The kids have been so excited to have a new baby in the family…my little two year old thinks the baby is hers. Wife #2 has been met with love and waited on, literally, hand and foot..with every need met, home in good order, children loved and taken care of, good hot meals, laundry done, her area kept clean..etc..etc. All this done by her sister wives who were looking forward to spending some time being “home mom”, and who each gave a week of their summer vacation time so they could be home helping out. And what do I hear today? Apparently Wife #2 feels like she’s OWED the two weeks off because she works so hard at being the mother at home. She’s right. She does work hard. But what her attitude prevents is her seeing what people are doing for her. Her attitude has closed her off from truly experiencing the love and friendship that is there for her with her “sisters” and it has closed her off from having gratitude for what she has. If this attitude wasn’t such a common thread throughout so much of living with her, maybe I wouldn’t feel so irritated about it. I know I still have a long way to go before I’m even close to a “good” person, and so I try to not be so upset when things like this happen, but this has just put me into a slow simmer. It stings, after working for so many years on a relationship, someone is still so insensitive, selfish, and self centered. The saddest part of all this is that she alienates herself by this attitude. It’s difficult to have a trusting relationship when there’s little appreciation, empathy, and goodwill to attend it. She hasn’t to date, expressed a “Thank You” for the care that was extended to her.
…I’ll get over it. And in a year from now, won’t hardly remember. But today, I’ve just got to breathe!

ON LOVE

An excerpt from “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people,
and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest
branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them
in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant:
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God`s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life`s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love`s peace and love`s pleasure,
Then it is better for you
that you cover your nakedness and
pass out of love`s threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself,
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed:
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
“God is in my heart,” but rather,
“I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving:
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love`s ecstasy:
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in you heart
and a song of praise upon you lips.

I’ve been home for the past week, taking vacation, to be “home mother” because 2nd wife has been down recovering from having her baby. I worked my ass off, but enjoyed it so much that, at the end of the week, I was ready to give my two week notice. I miss so much of life having to be tied to a job…and I miss raising my own kids. If I think about it too much, I get a bit depressed that my kids are getting so much of their basic life experience with someone else besides me. To add to that is the fact that wife #2 is so different than I am in about every way you can think of beside our religion. It’s a leap of faith to open my life and the lives of my children to the values and ideas of another person, especially one whom I often struggle to find common ground with. This is an aspect of plural marriage that takes a lot of work and growing in order to learn how to come together and accomplish, together, the goals we have as a family. Quite the challenge and a great amount of personal growth takes place if one lends herself to the process of it.