Going home tonight, opening a bottle of wine and finishing book 7 in the Sword of Truth series I started 2 months ago. I’ve been on a reading binge the past 6 months that has been unprecedented the past 15 years. One of the things I’ve committed to myself I would do is put more focus on “my” life. My trip to Vegas a couple weeks ago kind of jarred me into recognition that I’ve lost a bit of myself that I need to rediscover. I used to like myself.. and I used to have a well of well being on the inside that has been whittled down considerably the past few years. I want a few things back and am committed to the rediscovery of them. To be able to enjoy the simplest of things like.. bare feet through fine sand, or a thunderstorm, the quiet of the mountains on a hiking excursion, the moon light on a summer night… I intend to rediscover my childlike satisfaction and spontaneity. Like for example…. I can be a lizard and lay naked on a rock to catch the sun on my skin… or lick ice cream on a hot summer afternoon.. take a walk for no other reason than because it feels good.. This is my simple goal for the summer. Have a great weekend!
I was able to spend a few days with an old friend in Vegas.. We have the kind of relationship that no matter how much time passes, we pick up where we left off. I felt so loved, accepted, and validate. I’ve almost forgotten what that feels like. I had such a GREAT time. We laughed a lot. In fact, I haven’t laughed, talked, and just “hung out” like that for years. I came home so refreshed and reconnected with myself. And it helped me see how the demands of my life suck away my life.
Plural life is demanding. Maintaining relationships within this kind of family organization is highly challenging. Maintaining myself…and my mode of behavior is highly challenging. It’s a very complex situation. I feel challenged every day to maintain the standards I’ve set for myself in how I interact and treat those I live with. I’ve learned that if I can be “transparent” in my motivations…or in other words, have motivations that stem from love instead of selfishness, ….then I’m able to walk through my day with confidence that I can deal with whatever life throws at me. You see, I’ve come to understand that I can’t determine what another person SHOULD do. Nor can I control what another person WILL do. All I can do is chose what I will do with the choices that are there for me to make. With this focus, the responsibility of action rests fully on me and the consequences are all mine to accept. In understanding this and deciding to live my life with this focus as much as I possibly can, I’ve learned that there’s not the “back door” I can escape through when things get tough. In the end, if I can’t take full responsibility for myself, I’ll never learn what I’m here to learn. Yeah, it’s the more difficult way to take but in the end, my faith is that I will develop into a person with great compassion, love, understanding, tenacity, and patience.