I have sorrow traveled
These long many years
The feel of her I know too well
Her depths, her breadth, her fears.
The darkness of her face
Haunts many a night of dreams
And bears down on my eyes
All her ugly lines and seams
If I had one wish granted
Beyond my scope to believe
T’would be the dissolving of sorrow
And again your light receive



It’s late and Christmas day is over.  It was a nice day beginning with eggs benedict for brunch this morning cooked by husband.  The kids had a great time helping “papa” cook dinner and Christmas dinner was nice..especially the line up of wine.  (Am I developing too much of a taste for wine?)  😉  I’m a bit drunk at the moment so feeling relaxed.  However, it seems with these sort of events, they’re never uneventful and this one certainly matched up with that expectation.

I don’t know when I’m ever going to be used to certain things with plural marriage.  It seems after so many years I would be perfectly acclimated to all the intimacies and ups and downs..but I’m not.  Things still hurt, make me jealous, unsettled, angry..etc.  But the curious thing is..with each bout ..however difficult, it seems I find myself on the other side of the experience still standing… but sometimes I wonder why.  Am I really just a machocist?

Anyway… so, even though the day was nice I’m a bit …hurt? unsettled?…maybe just…not trusting people at the moment.  And, maybe it’s not such a great idea that I write about it here… but I do anyway.

What a merry christmas…


I’m SOOOOoooo glad to be done with this day.  We did a game day for the kids.  We had 20 kids we invited so we had a LOT of kids ranging from 18 down to 3 to supervise for the afternoon and evening.  We put on a nice munchy spread for them with a punch bowl.  They just left and it’s after 11:00!  I’m exhausted and just bloody glad to be done.  Of course, the kids have no clue the work and the patience it takes doing this kind of thing.  But, they’ll have memories…and if they every try to duplicate it as adults with their own kids, they’ll have an ahaah moment of appreciation.

anyway… I can’t believe I booked my holidays so heavy.  Course, it seems I do that every year and promise myself I won’t do it again the next year..and somehow manage to do it all over again.  When will I learn?

Well, it’s late, I’m tired.  My baby is crying for me..and I’m signing off.

So the get together went well last night.  Everyone is excited about the party next Monday.  We drew for cooking teams, 4 teams in all, and I ended up on a team with my husband.  Wife #2 was upset because she didn’t get on husband’s team and started bitching.  I immediately offered to trade her.  She really REALLY wanted to take me up on my offer, but between the social pressure she felt that she shouldn’t be reacting that way…and after Wife #3 expressed how she DIDN’T want to be on  husband’s team and how much more fun they’d have NOT being on his team, Wife #2 did a 180 degree about face and refused my offer.  Which of course, she felt, exonerated herself..(and of course the cynical voice inside my head rolled her eyes and thought…”whatever”..)  In the end, husband traded off the team I’m on to be on the team he wanted to be on… which was fine with me.  I wasn’t looking forward to arguing with him about how to do our team’s part of the dinner party.  🙂  Looks like everyone, in the end, is satisfied with the out come and looking forward to the activity.  😀

Okay, I thought I’d do a personality sketch of the adults in our family, so here goes…

Husband:  a family man, really great dad, intelligent, good provider, consciencious of his family duties, can be tender and loving when the mood strikes him, but lives inside his head so much that he’s often preoccupied,  used to be a bit of a romantic, thinks he’s always logical in his thinking but he’s not, DOES make emotional decisions more often than he’s willing to admit, has a great sense of humor, is a force to be reckoned with, works hard, is business savvy, is respected by those who are his friends and deeply resented by those who don’t like him, he’s the kind of guy that people either love or hate ..no neutrality about him, very generous with his time and means, has depth of character, integrity, honesty, is a true friend, and very tender on the inside which he hides very well because most people think of him as a tough, hard lined guy (which he can be, by the way). 

Wife #2:  hard worker, loves the kids, is a good cook, is very stubborn, very agressive but covers it with quietness, has tons of pride, really messy, does many kind things for those around her, is a little “socially backward”, has a BIG heart, has a difficult time with the discipline of the kids because she has such a soft spot for them, her moto is “act” which sometimes means she doesn’t think things through completely, can be jealous and selfish at times, doesn’t have expansive thinking practices, often plays a martyr, doesn’t have any problem having babies ;), determined and intense about the things she values, has a difficult time being tied to the mundane daily routines of domestic life which is a challenge for her because she  is the “home” mom, has a bit of handy man talent, has a quirky sense of humor, and is a friend to me.

Wife #3:  attractive, good organizer, great mother to her children, very clean,  really creative, moody, a bit territorial with her things, children, and information about her life, thinks she’s a better communicator than she really is, has a huge ego, can be really shitty and doesn’t appear to feel bad about being that way, can be very generous, has a great sense of humor, can be a good friend to those she thinks worthy of her friendship, doesn’t easily trust, has a very small circle of people she enjoys as friends, isn’t warm and accepting of people in general, is very talented with the domestic scene, is a great shopper (husband bites his nails down to the nub whenever her and I shop together because he knows we’ll come home “loaded” but I swear, the universe brings her irresistible deals!!) is a good cook, enjoyable to talk to, and after years of working on our relationship, I consider her a good friend and have grown to love her.

With that said, let me just state that I understand that I can’t possibly capture in a few paragraphs the essence of these people…and that these words are my own opinion, based on my experience, of them.  When you live as close as we live in plural marriage, you get to know all the wonderful things, as well as the ugly, frustrating things about each other.  There’s been many times I’ve been disillusioned and discourage.  But, even if I were to break away from them, they would never be totally extrocated from myself.  This is the nature of bonds that people form when they believe these bonds will last forever.  It is this forward, progressive view, that allows me to remain and keep working to be a better person, and strive for the “greater good”.

I’m off again..more baking and candy making.

I slept in today.  It was nice but I think wife #2 is pissed off at me because I’m not up and doing as she is. 😉   But, after the week I had last week…I needed a little down time.  To add to the terribly busy schedule, I had several nights up with the baby.  Last night I was so exhausted I gave the baby to my oldest daughter and slept like a baby.  🙂  I feel much more energized today and am ready to face this week which will be another crammed full week.

Today I’ll spend making candy and cheese balls for the yearly gift baskets we do for the grandparents and inlaws.  We don’t do them for everyone of course…way to many people.  But we do it for my parents, my husbands parents, and wife #3’s parents and a couple of my husband’s brothers.  Wife #2 is estranged from her family so we have no association with them.. which is sad.  anyway..

back to my day..

Shopping for a few more ingredients…making candy, cheese balls..and tonight, a few friends will be over to plan for a “cooking” party we’ll be doing next Monday.  It’s exhausting having fun!  😉  On top of my cooking, I have laundry..endless laundry.  If you ever consider having a big family, think of all the laundry you’ll have to do.  It’s what I consider before I have another baby.  (jk)  But seriously, with a big family comes all the domestic things of caring for that family including LOADS of laundry.  What I really want to be doing today is reading.  I finished the Ender and Ender’s Shadow series which I really enjoyed.  So I’ve started another series.  It’s not the caliber of say…Tolkien, but it’s still good writing.

(Wife #2 really is pissed.  I can hear it in her voice.  I do feel a bit guilty I’m haven’t shown myself yet today and I’m here writing on my post, a totally frivilous activity.)

That’s another thing about living in a big family, you’re always obligated to the others you live with.  You always feel accountable for the things you do and how the things you do affect others.  Sometimes I get sick of feeling obligated to always accommodate so many other people.  It gets tiring and sometimes if feels like I’m being pulled apart in different directions.

Okay, well, I’ve gotten way off track from where I started.  I better sign off.  I have tons to do.  Have a great day!

Christmas thoughts…

So, we’re going into the holiday season, and I’ve been reflecting about my life (as usual) and the meaning of it all.  I believe the most worthwhile things in  life have their foundation in the relationships we (human beings) form between each other.  Think about it.  The material things of life have no meaning when one has noone to share them with.  People bring meaning to life.  I think of the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for all the children of God the world over, and it’s indeed a miraculous, beautiful opportunity for us all to acknowledge this opportunity that, God, the father of us all, gives us to come back to him through the sacrifice of his only begotten son.  This opportunity is extended to each one of us, each day we live.  I think the love God has for his children is very largely misunderstood.  The longer I’m a parent, the more I come to have gratitude for what God has given me, and MOST of all, I’m grateful for the people I have connections with..for the friends, loved ones, associates, and all who’ve come through my life at one time or another.  I truly believe in the brotherhood of mankind and that we all knew each other in the pre-existence, and that we formed bonds, friendships, associations, and connections there, and that we actually have the opportunity here, in this life, to rediscover those connections.  Jesus Christ believed in the brotherhood of mankind and he loved God, his father, enough to lay his life down so we all could benefit.  How does the quote go?  “Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for his friends.”  Well, I certainly haven’t been required to lay my life down.  However, I have opportunities every day to extend the principles Jesus lived to all who come within my scope of action.  This is such a foundational belief for me, I can’t excuse myself when I fall short.

Readers, whatever your faith is, or if you have no belief in God, but believe in Good, the Christmas season represents something of value that all people can relate to.  May the good you seek, furrow deep, sprout, and grow in you, and may you acknowledge, with gratitude, all the good things you have.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Best Wishes for the New Year!  God bless us all.  🙂