Quandary

Well, I’m drawing a blank as to what to write here.  It’s not that I don’t have an abundance of things to write about, but when it gets down to the writing of my thoughts, the words don’t come easily.  I’ve started several posts but not finished them.  Why is this so difficult for me?  I’ve asked myself that a hundred times.  Why is it so difficult for me to write about the most prominent situation of my life?  The answer?

Well… part of the answer, I think, is the life time of keeping hidden who I really am.  Yes.  I’m a “polygamous”.  It’s like coming out of the closet.  It’s not that there aren’t people who know WHAT I am.  But to expose myself to the whole world, that’s scary.  This element of fear, what is it and where does it come from?  I don’t know…  Maybe fear of putting myself in a vulnerable position where anyone can read about my life and judge me.  But, more than that, I think a big part of my fear comes from a life time of hiding who I really am.  I was taught as a child to not talk about my family or my life to people who weren’t of the same religious beliefs as myself.  I was taught to keep quiet because if I talked I would expose my parents as being polygamists.  This situation of polygamists living a hidden life was created when the United States passed the anti-polygamy law back in the late 1880’s.  (Google Edmunds-Tucker Act) Before this time, polygamy was not illegal.  And since the Edmunds-Tucker decision, polygamists have passively resisted the law that was enacted against their religion by quietly continuing the practice of plural marriage.  So, my parents were part of the era that lived plural marriage very secretly.  No one could know you were polygamist or you would be arrested.  My grandfather spent time in prison for living plural marriage.  So I was raised on these stories and these fears.  Still today, I do not readily offer information about myself, my family, or my religion.  And I believe, this is at the root of why I’m having a difficult time posting a second blog.

When I was young (especially as a teenager), I felt very deeply the stigma of being polygamous.  I was different.  I looked different.  I acted different.  I was SO different from the kid in the next town.  I felt that difference acutely.  It took me years to gain confidence in myself and come to value myself as having talents to offer the world.  Today, I am who I am.  But I’ve discovered that I still have residual fears lurking in the background of my consciousness.  So, this blog I decided to do, is actually going to challenge me a little.  Is that a good thing?  I think so.

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