More to say…

So yesterday, I spent the day baking.  I baked 13 pies, burned two of them (damnit!, never done THAT before), seasoned the turkey, and got to bed at 2:30 a.m. (early for when I usually get to bed on Thanksgiving Eve.)  Anyway, an eventful day.  Our family got a kitten a month ago.  My 8 year old daughter talked her dad into letting her get a pet.  This has been an ongoing conversation between the two of them for about 4 years.  He finally relented and we got a kitten.  She was beautiful…white all over except her face and all four paws, and she had the most beautiful, startling blue eyes.  I’m not a person who likes having pets, but this little thing wiggled herself into my heart in less than a week.  It’s been cold and I made a place for her in our mechenical room where’s it’s warm.  She was house trained in two days, and was one of the family in less than a week.  I actually began doting on her (as much as I ever dote on an animal). Anyway, two days ago, she went missing.  I had a really sick feeling about it.  She never showed up at the door to be let in for the night.  I called and called her..and the next morning, I asked around the family about her.  Well, yesterday afternoon I was talking to one of our boys and they mentioned seeing a neighbor boy with her the previous afternoon.  I sent my 8 year old daughter to ask the neighbor about it.  When all was said and done and sorted out, the boy admitted to killing our kitten.   He brutally “murdered” our little Marshmellow.  When I say murdered, that’s exactly what I mean.  I’ve been sickend and very upset and emotional about it.  And I haven’t been able to get out of my head the pain she must have suffered in dying.  I’m so angry, I have to not think about it.  Innocence is innocence and something beautiful and innocent was murdered for the sake of recreation, fun, getting kicks out of killing cats.  The experience has given me much more understanding and empathy for animals and, weirdly enough, I feel more connected to the animal kingdom now.  It’ll take a long time before I get over the loss and the anger at the utter waste of innocent life.

Drama…drama..drama

It seems like a holiday never goes by that somebody doesn’t get pissed off about something.  This is some of the “great” dynamics in plural marriage.  It’s never dull, that’s for sure.  Wife #3 was having some kind of problem most of the day today.  It puts a lot of undue stress on occassions when she gets like that.  And it happens often.  Today, I just decided to ignore it, not get ruffled, and just drink a little more wine.  😉  Mission accomplished…along with treating her kindly inspite of the drama.  I do value what she brings to the family.  She’s a talented, beautiful person.  However, she’s extremely termpermental and it’s been difficult over the years to deal with the ups and downs with her.

Happy Thanksgiving !

Thanksgiving Preparations…

I don’t know what the rest of the country does as far as preparing for Thanksgiving, but in our home, we take the couple weekends before and do a “spring” cleaning of our home.  This year, the ladies didn’t meet to organize our cleaning schedules at the usual time.  Instead we met a week later, and now, are paying for it by having to take a day off work and schedule cleaning projects in the evenings each day this week.  How we usually accomplish this momentous task is; each lady takes a section of the home and deep cleans it.  The main floor living area is my part to clean.  This includes cleaning out all the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen, dining, and living area.  I have to re-organize it all.  Clean the stove, oven, refrigerator, scrub walls, carpets, floors, wash draperies, windows and window sills, etc..etc.  I’ve already done a couple projects and will be heading home tonight after work and my workout to do another.  My schedule gets busier and more demanding as our family grows.  Wife #2 is expecting another baby and, (being the mother who stays home she usually takes a big part of the this yearly cleaning load), isn’t in the best condition to take the load she normally takes.  This puts extra stress on me and wife #3 and it’ll be a juggling act getting it all done by this weekend.  But, when it’s all done, it’s nice to have a clean home to welcome in the holiday season.  Of course, we have older children who help with all this.  The mothers couldn’t do it all themselves.  That’s how big families work.  Everyone shares in the responsibilities of keeping up the home.

Hot Topic…

Yesterday I was trolling the net and stumbled across a website that markets tours of the “largest polygamous community in the United States”, Colorado City.  I was indignant.  The person (with a couple brothers) who started this company came from Colorado City and he (not his two brothers) was well integrated into the religious system under Warren Jeffs.  The fact that he currently is not longer affiliated with the religion does not (in my opinion) give him justification to sell HIS story as “THE story” and encroach on people in such a way to display them as oddities in a circus to be gawked at because of their “strangeness”.  I wrote something to express my repulsion of this.

Moneygrubber

Religion for sale!
Pay me to tell.
Come one, come all
Peek at my old hell.

This history I’ll give
You’ll want to hear
Fifty dollars will do
To get the story clear

Let’s drive through town
I’ll give you the sell
Picture Utopia here
And how it fell

See that ribbon?
Look at that bow!
She might smile
But I really know.

He’s so happy
He’s got three wives
They move as one
Scared for their lives

I’ll tell the world
This was a sweet place
How I was wronged
And fell from grace.

The canyon walls have ears
Trees whisper names
Those who stay aren’t scared
‘Cause they know the game

Look!
Children scatter like rats
Women turn their backs
Men threaten with scowls
As bus tires leave tracks

Flash your bulbs!
Get that there picture!
Make sure it’s good!
It’ll make me richer!

Quandary

Well, I’m drawing a blank as to what to write here.  It’s not that I don’t have an abundance of things to write about, but when it gets down to the writing of my thoughts, the words don’t come easily.  I’ve started several posts but not finished them.  Why is this so difficult for me?  I’ve asked myself that a hundred times.  Why is it so difficult for me to write about the most prominent situation of my life?  The answer?

Well… part of the answer, I think, is the life time of keeping hidden who I really am.  Yes.  I’m a “polygamous”.  It’s like coming out of the closet.  It’s not that there aren’t people who know WHAT I am.  But to expose myself to the whole world, that’s scary.  This element of fear, what is it and where does it come from?  I don’t know…  Maybe fear of putting myself in a vulnerable position where anyone can read about my life and judge me.  But, more than that, I think a big part of my fear comes from a life time of hiding who I really am.  I was taught as a child to not talk about my family or my life to people who weren’t of the same religious beliefs as myself.  I was taught to keep quiet because if I talked I would expose my parents as being polygamists.  This situation of polygamists living a hidden life was created when the United States passed the anti-polygamy law back in the late 1880’s.  (Google Edmunds-Tucker Act) Before this time, polygamy was not illegal.  And since the Edmunds-Tucker decision, polygamists have passively resisted the law that was enacted against their religion by quietly continuing the practice of plural marriage.  So, my parents were part of the era that lived plural marriage very secretly.  No one could know you were polygamist or you would be arrested.  My grandfather spent time in prison for living plural marriage.  So I was raised on these stories and these fears.  Still today, I do not readily offer information about myself, my family, or my religion.  And I believe, this is at the root of why I’m having a difficult time posting a second blog.

When I was young (especially as a teenager), I felt very deeply the stigma of being polygamous.  I was different.  I looked different.  I acted different.  I was SO different from the kid in the next town.  I felt that difference acutely.  It took me years to gain confidence in myself and come to value myself as having talents to offer the world.  Today, I am who I am.  But I’ve discovered that I still have residual fears lurking in the background of my consciousness.  So, this blog I decided to do, is actually going to challenge me a little.  Is that a good thing?  I think so.